Eddie-Torial: No Gifts This Season. Come on, folks.

Dear People Who Celebrate Holidays with Gift Giving,

Folks, I'll be honest. I don't have the cash, the desire, or the time to buy all my loved ones, aquaintances, and alledged cousins pieces of crap this holiday season. Plus, isn't the world in an economic apocalypse? TV news has gotten so bad with reporting the financial woes that last night Brian Williams closed out the NBC Nightly News by asking if any of his viewers could spare five bucks for bus fare.

So, come on. Let's all agree to just cool it on buying gifts this year. I know you were all excited about filling shopping bags up and spending lots of office-work earned cash. But let's be honest a lot of the stuff we give is some plastic junk that's only purpose is to serve as a place holder for affection, sentiment, and flamboyance. It's true, folks. We spend all this time agonzing on what to give Jimmy at work, and every year we get him something that wastes our money, his time, and our planet's precious resources which are dwindling at a devastating rate of about two bobble heads a day. By 2013 the bobble head population will be struck down to 300.

Just because you can't buy crappy doo-dads doesn't mean you can't give gifts. Here are some ideas to save the holidays, your repuation, and some greenbacks:

• Sing a song
• Leave a funny voicemail
• Bring back the art of macaroni sculptures!
• Send an amusing e-mail forward, preferably the one with old Olan Mills photos and witty commentry
• Cook someone a meal
• Give away all the books you don't read
• Dispence unsolicited advice
• Decorate Your House with Drawings
• Get ride of the cockroaches in my apartment
• Create a boardgame out of old cardboard, construction paper, and outstanding credit cards
• Put on a talent show
• Vote for Me (please)

Happy Holidays,

Eddie McOwskey, Candidate for New Jersey State Governors

EDDIE-TORIAL: The Al Franken(Berry) Recount

Dear Folks,

I don't know if you've been keeping up to date with politics post election. I barely have and I'm a politician (running for New Jersey State Governors--please vote for me). But in a little tiny, forgotten, cold, off the beaten path, bizarre, unruly, and dainty state called Minnesotas, there's an election still going on for the United States Senate (or as I like to call it the United States House of Lords--the vestigal tail of an electoral college aristocracies who debate issues of philosophies, candors, and nuances while the lowly U.S. House of Commons fixes the potholes and regulates what goes into our Cheetos and beloved Holiday Chex Mix).

Folks, Al Franken, a comedian, movie star, and man with extremely large head (seriously, folks, I don't know what he does with that thing--the man's dandruff orbits his skull like a ring of Saturn) is currently embroiled in a recount with some other Senate bum, I think his name is Coleman. Anyway, there was a difference of a couple votes and due to Minnesota's crazy laws this activates an automatic recount. But they can't recount the votes until November 18 because up until then all the vote counters are "busy."

I'm sure Al Franken would make a fine Senator--all of his kooky characters would be right at home in the great live comedy sketch show that is our country's capitol. But an issue that I have with him is that he has never once commented to his ties with the controversial cereal box children's character Frankenberry. They have similar names folks. And if you focus on the glasses--I think ole Frankenberry is wearing glasses, they look kind of the same. My questions to Mr. Franken(berry):

• Did you invent Frankenberry in a lab using samples of dead tissues?
• If so, after creating an artificial man (or woman--I think Frankenberry has painted nails), why turn him over the cereal industries, aren't there other venues for your creation?
• What's the deal with Frankenberry anyway? I can't exactly tell what's going on.
• Why'd you invent Frankenberry, Senator Franken? You have no idea how many times I thought I was watching a cartoon as a child and it turned out to be a commercial for a cereal I wasn't allowed to eat. You have no idea.

EDDIE-TORIAL: SHARING IS SAVING

Dear Folks,

Eddie McOwskey here, candidate for New Jersey State Governors. You know a lot of people come up to me and go "Eddie, what I can I do? The economic crisis is murdering me with the financial meltdown that has stricken the land." And I respond, "I don't have any money to give youse. Please allow me on my way." But folks, this reponse is selfish and easy on my parts.

Remember in Kindergartens when we were little and used to fight over markers, crayons, and that McDonald's playset with the plastic fries? What did Mrs. Arnold tell us as we sat there with paste in mouths and Inspector Gadget on our brains? She told us to share. Folks, sharing is always the answer. We are a herd animal folks: look at any highway, busy street, or ant-farm like supermarket. From high above we look like any herd of gazelles or infestation of roach. There's a reason these animals have been around for tens of years without any jobs, welfare checks, or television. And that reason is these animals band togethers and share everything, while still retaining their personalities and amasses of personal wealth. We are all scurrying around, most of the time unawares that we are part of a larger group moving in the same direction--why not realize our own unity and preport it by pooling our resources for our continued mutual and personal successes.

We don't need to buy so many things folks. If I have a book sitting on my shelf that you want to read, don't go to Amazon.com and buy your own ask me to borrow it. If you have a box of cereal that you opened and don't want the rest of because you already found the toy and that was all you bought that box of Fruity Pebbles for--share that box of Fruity Pebbles--Fred Flinstone would thank you. If you need to buy a car but have three friends who need to buy a car and you just need it to go to work and the occasional errand, why not share a car with friends?

I know a lot of you people who had secret crushes on Ronald Reagans and Henry Kissingers are looking at me right now and calling me a socialist or a communist because I think people should share: GET THIS THROUGH YOUR SKULL SHARING IS NOT COMMUNISM SHARING IS SHARING AND SHARING IS FUN! If sharing were bad, would Mrs. Arnold have made it class policy? Was Mrs. Arnold meeting Soviet Agents in Mexico City on the weekends to plot the demise of capitalism? No (that was crazy uncle Ralph).

Folks, you want to make it through this economic collapse and more importantly live in a world without such artificial woes? Share. Share your food, your things, and your cheers. If we keep not sharing we're going to be like little Stevey B. who didn't share in class and grew up to have a boring job at the bank. Who wants that? Seriouslies, folks.

Sincerely,

Eddie McOwskey, Candidate for New Jersey State Governors

EDDIE-TORIAL: IS IT NOT TIME FOR NATIONAL SHARE-A-BAG-OF-CHIPS DAY?

Dear Folks,

Eddie McOwskey here, candidate for New Jersey State Governors. How's everyone doing? Fine, I assume. But I bet you could all do better. Especially if you're living in New Jerseys. Well, folks, it seems in this country we'll name any day of the week a holiday.

"Presiden't Day"--The president don't need a day, folks--he rules the world.

"Arbor Day"--A day for trees, folks? I love them too--with their arching bellows and leafy panache. But why do they get a day and not other plants like the cactus or the burr.

"Tuesday"--This day serves no purpose to me. Once they took Who's The Boss off the air--why bother?

As you can see with so many days singled out for no good reason, let's have just one day out of the year that's good for everyone.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF AMERICA: It's time to have SHARE-A-BAG-OF-CHIP DAY!

You expect me to pay $3 for a bag of chips? That's murder, folks. Let's all just share a couple bags of chips today. U.S. Government: Make it a law. Everyone else: Let's make it fun. Think of all the delightful crunching.

Sincerely,

Eddie McOwskey, Candidate for New Jersey State Governors

Dear Mr. President!

Dear Mr. President Barack Obamas,

First and foremosts, congratulations to you, my friend. You leaped over the hurdles of creptitude and traversed the windy seas of adversitimidity. The S.S. Barack has landed ashore the Presidential coast on a wave of votes, smiles, tears, excitements, and nicorette.

Incidentallies, besides giving you a couple pats on the back and slaps on the butt (it's a male sign of affection, folks--baseball players do it all the time, so just calm down--calm it down, please)--I wanted to ask you a favor. Can I borrow a couple hundred bucks and can you endorse me? Please. I need to use the mimeograph to run off some flyers. And how beautiful would those black and white mimeographs (on pink paper) look if it said you endorse me.

On a side note to be footnoted, Mr. Presidents... I heard you might tap Gov. Jonny Corzines to be your secretary of the treasury. First of all, please ignore my previous comments about Corzines having only 1 friend on Myspace, being bald, a little overweight, and wearing glasses. Besides this I'm sure he would be great at you know being secretary of the treasury. I do some secretary work for my temp agency and believe me, anyone can do it. I'm sure they'll be heavy phones--everyone wants to schedule an appointment to run around the treasury for five minutes and grab as much cash as they can. He'll probably have to do a lot of typing--are dollar bills typed individually?--that'll keep him busy! And just think with ole Corzines out of the picture, how easy it will be for your favorite gubernatorial candidate to become governor of New Jerseys. Please, Mr. President Barack Obamas.

In conclusion, congrats to you and Mr. Bidens--why was he so late to your victory speech? It looked like he had been driving around a lot looking for a parking space. He probably caught most of it on the radio.

The rest of us look forward to your successes and your platitudes.

Sincerely,

Eddie McOwskey, Candidate for New Jersey State Governors

McOWSKEY ELECTION NIGHT COVERAGE!

Folks tomorrow night, check out BlogTV from 10pm to 11ish to see up the minute election night results anchored by me, your favorite candidate for New Jersey State Governors, Eddie McOwskey!

You can check it out here: http://www.blogtv.com/People/ralphy

It's going to start tomorrow, 11/4. Tuesday, at 10pm and go until around 11 or so, you know how it goes.

I'll be checking in with some of the following sources by phone to get what the media tends to overlook:

311 (They can answer anything)
The CIA (Only open during business hours so we may just get a prerecorded message)
The Democratic Party of American Samoa (US Territory not allowed to vote in election)*
The Republican Party of Guam (US Territory not allowed to vote in election)*
Diebold (To See How their Electronic Voting Machines are working)
The Whitehouse Switchboard (To See if Any Moving Trucks Have Showed up)
Halliburton (controls the world)
Exxon (contributions to both Obama and McCain, along with Chevron and BP)
Land's End 24 Hour Customer Service (They're very helpful)

*But Allowed to vote in primaries