Eddie McOwskey's Days of Change: October 2008

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

EDDIE-Torial: Electric Wheelchair Speed Limits

Dear Folks,

I almost just got hit by an electric wheelchair walking to walk barrelling down the street at near-sonic speeds. Therefore, when elected Governors the following speed limits will be imposed on electric wheelchairs:

Indoors: 25mph

On the sidewalks: 30mph

On the streets: 65mph

These restrictions should cut speeds of some electric wheelchais by 50%.

Thank You,

Eddie McOwskey

EDDIE-TORIAL: UNTIED SHOELACES, END THE STIGMA

Dear Folks,

The other day I was skipping down the streets making my merry ways when I accidentally stepped on my shoelace and untied it. It was raining out and the shoelace had become completely soaked. As I walked down the street, battling the elements with assuredness and pleiostitude the untied shoelace smacked against my other shoe. By now the shoelace was like a wet wip. I was tired and in no mood to bend over. But I knew I could make it home with this untied shoelace without injury or alarm.

However, in the pitted echelons of my soul, I knew that some person, probably an old man in a plaid jacket or an elderly woman with a shopping cart, would notice my harmless shoelace, be bothered, then stop and alert me that my shoelace was untied, obligating me to attend to this frivoulous matter out of respect for the Greatest Generation. In no way would I ever be allowed to walk down the street with an untied shoelace and be accepted as normal or decent or deserving of respect for my choice.

As Governor of New Jerseys, I'd like to work towards removing all stigma from untied shoelaces. As the Beatles said "Let it be."

Furthermore, if citizens are bothered by untied shoelaces I would sign into legislation a government agency committed to tying people's shoes for them. Thhis agency would also be in charge of putting away people's groceries after they got home. Who can be bothered, folks?

Monday, October 27, 2008

EDDIE-TORIAL: THE ENERGY CRISIS IS OVERS!

Dear Senators "Change A Little Bit" Obama and Senators "Low-in-the-Polls" McCain,

Good afternoon. I hope you both had a pleasant weekend selling yourselves to the esteemed undecided voters of our great and occasionally democratic country. You know, I watch C-SPAN, the news, and I read the papers. I hear you guys talking about getting the country out of it's energy crisis with Nuclear Power, Coal, Offshore Drilling and even that bogus corn whiskey stuff. To be completely honest, I can't really remember what your differences on this issue are. So I thought I do you a favor and give one of you a severe departure of the middle of the road "I don't know, what do you want to do" approach to our energy ills. That way you two can have a break from the prom-queen contest that's going on and yell about your differences on energy.

Now I know the hippies sing about solar and wind powers. But I don't know if I believe those two things exist or if they should. Seriously, just because something is free doesn't mean it should be. Forget that junk. What I'm preposing is a new strategy in overcoming the unbalanced equations of our nation's inter-co-dependence on oil power. I suggest good old fashioned WILL POWER. Ain't it easy folks? It's something that New Jersey naturally produces.

How would WILL POWER work. Well if you're from Jerseys and you're car's broken down, and you need to get to the corner store, you'll get to the corner store. That's how will power works. If you don't have electricities in your house and NBC's Heroes is on and you want to watch that show because you saw last week's and it left unanswered questions that you think about all week at work, you'll find a way to watch NBC's Heroes. That's will power folks. Will, baby, will!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Movie Review: W. -- An American Mr. Bean, So Fake

Folks,

Welcome once again to Eddie McOwskey's Movie Review Choppin' Blocks. This one is a doozy, folks, it's Oliver Stone's possible sequel to "Any Given Sunday," and the movie is "W." Here we go, it's the highly fictional story of a reckless and jobless C-student son of a statesman who becomes president then stumbles and bumbles further through a life of mistakes and careless decisions. Despite the performances and beautiful architectures of the picture, the movie is quite fake. Who would believe that a man who has a tough time holding down a job would become owner of the Texas Rangers much less Governor of Texas or even President of the United States (by not even winning the popular vote)? And on top of that who would believe our esteemed Senate and House of Representatives would follow this "American Mr. Bean" into a needless, costly, and violent war based on flimsy evidence that even his own cabinet thought was shoddy? COME ON, FOLKS. Joe Bidens, John McCains, and Hillary Clintons would never permit such silliness. And would a country that shooed Nixon away into obscurity, for doing much less, stand for such actions? It just doesn't seem possible to me.

Like I said the performances are good. And everything looks like gold. The colors really pop, folks. And the verbal and physical pratfalls are hilarious. But the dereliction of reality is too much for me to get into this movie. Remember in "Garbage Pail Kids" how fake the "Garbage Pail Kids" looked. It's that kind of thing. This movie's so fake, folks. And it's sad when Hollywood has really stuck to realistic portrayals of our highest office with President Palmer in 24 or that nice man in the West Wing.

W. hoops!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Eddie-Torial: Healthcare, folks

Dear Senators Obama and Senators McCains,

What is wrong with you guys? I listened to you both run your mouths off about ya healthcare plans but I see that neither of you have the guts or wherewithalls to cure our healthcare woes with the McOwskey vaccine. And don't pretend you never heard about it. I know you're both busy listening to the sound of your own voices fill up packed houses of desperate voters but come on, take some time out to listen. To me, spefically.

So if you two rock'em sock'em robots can balance ya taxes and shut up ya traps, I'd like to blow some hot air of my own. At youse.

The McOwskey Healthcare Plans:

1) Here we go folks. First of all Healthcare under a McOwskey New Jersey would be completely free. Doctors visits, surgeries, medications, hospital stays, whatever they got. It's paid for, by the government. I know what you're saying, do I want the same people who run the DMV and the schools in charge of my doctors and hospitals. And the answer is YES. It's free, ain't it?

2) Well, you're either like me and don't question what's free and good OR you're like all those bums who pack the trains in the morning and balance their checkbooks, "How do you pay for this, Eddie McOwskey future governors of New Jerseys?" Here's how: While the healthcare is free, complaining about symptoms or any articulation of pain will cost you. Severelies. My team has put together these estimates:

Groaning (getting up from a chair, abdominal pain, carrying a heavy load): $12

Coughing: $5 each, 3 for $10

Sneezing: $3

Wheezing: $2.50

Whining (about being sick, your life, waiting in a waiting room): $7

Talking When You've Lost Your Voice for The Sole Purpose of Telling People You've Lost Your Voice: $29

Moaning (minor aches and pains, in your sleep, during the throes/discomfort of passion): $11

General Complaining ("I feel AWFUL," "This damn headache," "My foot hurts"): $53

Itching Rashes: $4

Opening Your Mouth with the Intent of Editorializing Your Symptoms: $1

Making Everyone Aware of A) Car Sickness B) Allergies C) Tiredness D) Missing Your Medication: $6.01

"Casually" bringing up the fact that you've considered using a Propecia: $12

Blowing Your Nose: $8, during a film: $12, on the train: $16

Clearing Your Throat: $13

Inquiring within a group of 6-8 people if "anyone recommends any homeopathic remedies for symptom x": $20

Commenting on frequent trips to the bathroom: $9

Burping, Breaking Wind, and Other Similar Type Events (counts as a verbal comment on your digestive woes): $5

*Please note: charges apply in the privacy of your own home, on public land, and in doctor's offices.

Folks, just think of how much money the state would rake in or how much free time you'd have if you weren't commenting on the state of your health.

Dutifully Yours and Seldom My Own,

Eddie Stalwart McOwskey

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

EDITORIAL: Forget About Joe the Plumber, What About Jo The Tomboy from Facts of Life?!!

Dear Senators McCain and Governors Palin,

Eddie McOwskey here, candidate for New Jersey State Governors. I got some words for you two rapscallions (and then some!). I'm so sick of hearing about Joe the Plumber that I got a fevers of 103 and have been prescribed high doses of prednosone and Cipro (the anthrax cure, folks).

How dare you trapse Joe the Plumber around as if he is the new Mickey Mouse, Grape Ape, or other such beloved American mascot! How dare you act as if we, the sleepy American voters care about him when the real Jo we care about isn't Joe the Plumber, but the original, the heroic, the edgy, flippant, yet endearing Jo the Tomboy from Facts of Life. What happened to her? 'Fess up! The next time the both of you crack open ya traps I want to hear nothing but updates on Jo Polniaczek, the streetsiest student at Eastland Academy. Remember when she had the girls steal a van to go to some bar and use fake IDs, but then they crashed it and had to work in the kitchen, under the comical supervision of Mrs. Garrett? What happened after that, John McCain? Remember when they did that reunion show and Jo couldn't make it because she was busy being a police woman, so just her crummy husband and kid showed up? What happened after that, Sarah Palin? And why I'm here Sarah Palins, you look like Spock from Star Trek II when you wear that Members-Only-esque red blazers. And John McCain, back to you, remember when Jo went to Austriali and got mixed up with jewel thieves? Come on, bro, let's get on the ball!

Anybutts, I presuppose myself. The matter at hand is that we the voter need to hear about Jo the Tomboy from Facts of Life. How is she going to be treated by the McCain or Obama plan? Will she reap tax cuts, while Blair is smacked with tax increases causing another reason for them to abandon their latter season friendship?

Come on folks. Enough about Joe the Plumber and more about Jo the Tomboy. Let's be serious.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Third Party Presidential Break Down

In the spirit of McOwskey's run for the New Jersey Gubernatorial race, we at "Days of Change" thought we would shine the spotlight on some other seldom seen players in our political system. It's no news that Obama and McCain are running for president, but did you know that various third party candidates are on most state ballots? Most of these candidates have dramatically different, some might say refreshing, positions than either the Democrats or Republicans.

Most of these lesser known candidates complain of lack of media coverage and most of the media won't cover these candidates due to low polling numbers and lack of campaign funds. But one legitimate critique of the presidential election process is the exclusivity of the televised Presidential debates. These debates are organized by the Commission on Presidential Debates, a corporation that is headed by former big-wigs of the Republican and Democratic parties. The Commission on Presidential Debates decides which candidates participate in the debates, and thus who is seen on TV debating the "mainstream" Democratic and Republican nominees. These debates serve most voters as a means of validating a candidate's legitamacy.

The Commission has qualifications for candidates to pass before they are allowed to debate, such as compliance with the rules set forth in the U.S. constitution as well as being on enough state ballots to mathematically win an election. The Commission also requires the candidates poll at least 15% in national polls. This rule is what excludes many third party candidates who already are on a majority of state ballots as well as meet all of the qualifications set in the constitution. Because these candidates don't have the built-in fundraising resources of the Democrats and Republicans, its very difficult for them to be known, much less favored by 15% of U.S. voters(never mind all the problems inherent with polling). Perhaps if these cadidates were allowed on stage with equal footing to the Democrats and Republicans we could have a much more healthy and diverse debate than the current two-party system allow.

Below are some folks you may not have heard of who are currently running for President and Vice President of the United States. The quality and views of these candidates is across the spectrum and the appearance of any candidate below represents the opinions of neither Eddie McOwskey nor "Days of Change."

Chuck Baldwin/Darrell Castle

The Constitution Party/ Endorsed by Republican Congressman Ron Paul

http://www.baldwin08.com/

Charles Jay/Thomas Knapp

Boston Tea Party - Personal Choice Party

http://www.cj08.com/

Cynthia McKinney/Rosa Clemente

Green Party

http://www.cj08.com/

Bob Barr/Wayne Root

Libertarian Party

http://www.bobbarr2008.com/home/skip/?s=0618