EDDIE-TORIAL: SOCIAL BAILOUTS

Dear Voters,

Good morning, folks. Eddie McOwskey heres, candidate for New Jersey State Governors. How are you today? I am fine. Thank youse. May your day produce an abundance of fortunes, merriments, and formiscitudes.

Folks, did you see how polite I was in that first paragraph? Well, it's that politeness that has gotten little Eddie McOwskey so many friends. But not everyone is as polite as me, especially people who are too busy amassing as much wealth as possibles, while the rest of us delight in their fiscal follies, reality TV shows, and front page adventures. Perhaps if the financial elite of this world were better at making friends, they'd care more about ripping off the rest of us.

That's why I, Eddie McOwskey am proposing Social Bailouts of all folks who don't have enough friends. Through the bully pulpit of the New Jersey Governor's seat, I will cede a total social bailout of 750 Billion new friends to such socially deficient organizations such as AIG, the Health Insurance Industries, and whomever else is making a profit at other's expense or running a trillion dollar business poorly.

Hopefully this influx of friends will infuse the social market with all sorts of new social activities like cool Birthday parties, picnics, games of Frisbee golf, a little touch foot ball, a little slap tag, a little dancing... The friendless will once again have friends like we were all forced to in that socialist institutions of Kindergartens. With everyone being friends and having fun, we'll be apt, poised, and aplomb to share all the things we've been stealing from one anothers.

Nationalizing and socializing friends will be shocking to those of who fought for the right to be friendless and rich in the 80s. But as Bob Dylan sangs, "Here's the story of the Hurricanes..."

Eddie McOwskey

EEDDIE-TORIAL: I PROMISE YOU, FOLKS

Dear Voting Public,

As you probably are unawares, I am running for the Governors of New Jerseys. I have several overweight opponents, but this show ain't over until the skinny guy sings (me, Eddie McOwskey).

I'll be honest folks, I don't hear or see my name in headlines, water cooler talk, or even campaign scratchitti. So, I thought it's time to break out the campaign promises.

If you vote for me for New Jersey State Governors, I promise:

• To rid all elevators, narrow sidewalks, and all confined spaces of baby strollers. I can't stand those hulking behemoths, folks.
• To enforce strict speed limits on scooters and electric wheelchairs. Where's the fire, folks?
• To stimulate the economy by maxing out everyone's credit cards.
• To make spinache the official Pizza topping of New Jerseys, absolutely delicious, folks.
• To increase sustainable agricultures by increasing sustainable agricultures (no questions, please).
• To tax bad posture. I know I have to work on mine, what better way to solve this state problems than through fiscal penalties that go towards long-term no bid state infrastructure projects.
• To end campaign finance reforms. if you don't want politicians spending so much money, stop giving it them, folks.
• To control guns by politely asking people to not use guns and taxing each bullet that does not hit it's intended target.
• To increase drug laws, drug penalties, drug stigma, and drug use to keep the system alive. It's important to keep both sides of law enforcement alive and well, folks. Otherwise we might suffer a long boring peace, like they have in those lousy Scandinavian countries.

That's just the beginning, folks.

Eddie McOwskey

EDDIE-TORIAL: LET'S CONTINUE TO KEEP SMART PEOPLE OUT OF GOVERNMENT, THOSE LOUSY NERDS

Dear United States,

I was thinking about our government the other days. And I thoughts you know what, it seems the best thing to do is to pick leaders who are smart, yet we seldoms elect doctors, scientists, or scholars to guide us through the caverns of precipice and the mountains of chance. And while we have a rich supply of smart folks in colleges, universities, and hospitals--we don't have many scientists and doctors in government, leading the nation with their brilliance.

And I decided this absence of smarts in government is for good reason, folks. Let's be honest, those smart guys scare the rest of us. They think they know it all with their knowledges, insights, and being able to ask good questions. No thank you. I don't need some lousy nerd telling me what to do. One might argues, hey the nerds know what's up. Well, keep it in the lab, Copernicus. Nobody needs your smart ideas. We got tons of bankers, businessmen, and lawyers--the cool kids--to get us out of jams. And though this system does have it's disasterous results, the last thing we need is some scrawny nerd piping up with his or her bright ideas. Science has no place in modern problem solving, especially on a national and global level. If we need their smart ideas, they can fight to the death for some businessman's grant. Ha ha, stupid nerds, I say.

Sincerely,

Eddie McOwskey