EDDIE-TORIAL: SOCIAL BAILOUTS

Dear Voters,

Good morning, folks. Eddie McOwskey heres, candidate for New Jersey State Governors. How are you today? I am fine. Thank youse. May your day produce an abundance of fortunes, merriments, and formiscitudes.

Folks, did you see how polite I was in that first paragraph? Well, it's that politeness that has gotten little Eddie McOwskey so many friends. But not everyone is as polite as me, especially people who are too busy amassing as much wealth as possibles, while the rest of us delight in their fiscal follies, reality TV shows, and front page adventures. Perhaps if the financial elite of this world were better at making friends, they'd care more about ripping off the rest of us.

That's why I, Eddie McOwskey am proposing Social Bailouts of all folks who don't have enough friends. Through the bully pulpit of the New Jersey Governor's seat, I will cede a total social bailout of 750 Billion new friends to such socially deficient organizations such as AIG, the Health Insurance Industries, and whomever else is making a profit at other's expense or running a trillion dollar business poorly.

Hopefully this influx of friends will infuse the social market with all sorts of new social activities like cool Birthday parties, picnics, games of Frisbee golf, a little touch foot ball, a little slap tag, a little dancing... The friendless will once again have friends like we were all forced to in that socialist institutions of Kindergartens. With everyone being friends and having fun, we'll be apt, poised, and aplomb to share all the things we've been stealing from one anothers.

Nationalizing and socializing friends will be shocking to those of who fought for the right to be friendless and rich in the 80s. But as Bob Dylan sangs, "Here's the story of the Hurricanes..."

Eddie McOwskey