Dear Voting Public, As you probably are unawares, I am running for the Governors of New Jerseys. I have several overweight opponents, but this show ain't over until the skinny guy sings (me, Eddie McOwskey).
I'll be honest folks, I don't hear or see my name in headlines, water cooler talk, or even campaign scratchitti. So, I thought it's time to break out the campaign promises.
If you vote for me for New Jersey State Governors, I promise:
- To rid all elevators, narrow sidewalks, and all confined spaces of baby strollers. I can't stand those hulking behemoths, folks.
- To enforce strict speed limits on scooters and electric wheelchairs. Where's the fire, folks?
- To stimulate the economy by maxing out everyone's credit cards.
- To make spinache the official Pizza topping of New Jerseys, absolutely delicious, folks.
- To increase sustainable agricultures by increasing sustainable agricultures (no questions, please).
- To tax bad posture. I know I have to work on mine, what better way to solve this state problems than through fiscal penalties that go towards long-term no bid state infrastructure projects.
- To end campaign finance reforms. if you don't want politicians spending so much money, stop giving it them, folks.
- To control guns by politely asking people to not use guns and taxing each bullet that does not hit it's intended target.
- To increase drug laws, drug penalties, drug stigma, and drug use to keep the system alive. It's important to keep both sides of law enforcement alive and well, folks. Otherwise we might suffer a long boring peace, like they have in those lousy Scandinavian countries.
That's just the beginning, folks.
Eddie McOwskey
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