Sunday, June 21, 2009

Give me money, Please, folks.

Dear Friends, Citizens, Voters, and Those Unprepared to Fail,

My name is Eddie McOwskey and I'm currently running for New Jersey State Governors, the most fancy job in all of New Jerseys. As you know me, I am an all around good guy (unlike those two bums I'm running against, bald Governor Jon Corzines and puff faced District Attorney Chris Christies). In fact, I can't think of anyone who's ever complained about me, except maybe my fifth grade art teachers who politely requested that I stop drawing so many naked pictures of Morgan Fairchilds. Point beings, I should be governors because I got the goods, folks! Those other guys are just nickels and dimes, spare change. Two pigs in a pod.

Because of my utmost belief in myself, I am writing to youse because I need a little help, to the tune of LOTS O' CASH and/or FREE PUBLICITIES.

Folks, this is it. The home stretch, some day in Novembers (I'm going to have to check my calendar for the specifics on this one), New Jerseys is going to pick it's next Governors and that person should be me because I used to date cheerleaders in high school, folks. Also, I can scream the loudest, I never stray from circumstance, and I can BALANCE YA TAXES!

(hold for applause and cheers)

Sure, politics is senseless, a perversion of democracies, and not worth your times, but let me tell you why I need to win this race. I believe I can steer New Jerseys to a better tomorrow, an unfettered paradise, without sacrifice and any sort of inconvenience on your parts. Here are some of my talking points:

  • Experience: I'm the best. Those other two guys are ridiculous. And smell of unwashed undershirts.
  • Schools: I'm going to make the schools better by making the schools better.
  • Immigration: Nobody leaves Jersey unless they have a note from me or your mothers.
  • Abortion: I believe life begins at 40.
  • Marriage: No more marriage folks, let's just agree to keep it casual. No stress, no stress.
  • Health Insurance: Free for all and we'll pay for it by charging people every time they complain about how sick they feel. You whine, you pay, I win.
  • Jobs: I want to be known as the "Jobs Governors," I got a stack of dirty dishes that need to be washed and a lawn that needs to be mowed, that's two, folks. That's two.
  • Change: For a dollar, folks!
  • Evolution: The Human Body has many flaws, it's time for blame! I want wings!
  • The Work Week: 30 Minutes a day, 5 days a week, after two and half hours, it's the weekend, folks!
  • Faith: I am a devote soul who believes that Spidermans will swing down from the Heavens, wearing robes of pure sunshine and whisper powerball numbers into our ears. Webs are what bring us togethers.
  • Mars: Dare we gamble, folks?

To pull this off, I need to raise, I'm thinking $126,987. I know times are tough. But come on. It's me. If you want to throw away a quarter, buck, or c-note, visit this fascinating link:
http://mcowskey.chipin.com/mcowskey-for-nj-governors

What will your hard earned cash be used for?

  • TV Ads
  • "An Internet Presence"
  • Campaign Buttons
  • Campaign Administration
  • Living Expenses
  • Groceries
  • Entertainment
  • A Nice Weekend Away for Me and My Live-In Girlfriend, Rose, you know to "decompress" in some pacific island paradise
  • Paying for Endorsements
  • Bribing Journalists for Airtimes
  • Fine Suits
  • Tapas



Hey, if you want something for your money, besides the intangible and non-refundable sense of pride in contributing to a public figure, check out the official McOwskey Campaign "I GAVE MONEY TO A POLITICIAN T-SHIRT" (all shirts are made in the U.S.A. and the company has some very fancy ethical mission statement or some such nonsense, folks, and I get around $9 for each t-shirt that sells).

Men's Sizes: http://skreened.com/mcowskey/i-gave-money-to-a-politician-men-s
Women's Sizes: http://skreened.com/mcowskey/i-gave-money-to-a-politician-women-s

Or if you're a crafty person and want to make your own iron-on's to tell the world what's up, I attached the graphics for you to prints. Either way, spread the words!



AND IF I MAY, if you haven't done so already, please sign the petiton to have me appear of The Colbert Report and spread it around on your facebooks, your tweets, and wherever Spidermans' glory shines.
http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/eddie-mcowskey-on-the-colbert-report.html
Thanks to all who have already signed it!

Want to get involved with the campaigns for street actions in Times Square, Union Square, and other locations? Write back! Know of any media outlets that would be interested in hearing at me yell at them? Write back! Don't want to hear from me anymore? Write back! Want to spread the word? Change your middle name in Facebook to "McOwskey,"

Thank you all for all your solid gold support the last few years! We can win this!

Eddie McOwskey, Candidate for New Jersey State Governors!
McOwskey.com

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