Eddie-Torial: Healthcare, folks

Dear Senators Obama and Senators McCains,

What is wrong with you guys? I listened to you both run your mouths off about ya healthcare plans but I see that neither of you have the guts or wherewithalls to cure our healthcare woes with the McOwskey vaccine. And don't pretend you never heard about it. I know you're both busy listening to the sound of your own voices fill up packed houses of desperate voters but come on, take some time out to listen. To me, spefically.

So if you two rock'em sock'em robots can balance ya taxes and shut up ya traps, I'd like to blow some hot air of my own. At youse.

The McOwskey Healthcare Plans:

1) Here we go folks. First of all Healthcare under a McOwskey New Jersey would be completely free. Doctors visits, surgeries, medications, hospital stays, whatever they got. It's paid for, by the government. I know what you're saying, do I want the same people who run the DMV and the schools in charge of my doctors and hospitals. And the answer is YES. It's free, ain't it?

2) Well, you're either like me and don't question what's free and good OR you're like all those bums who pack the trains in the morning and balance their checkbooks, "How do you pay for this, Eddie McOwskey future governors of New Jerseys?" Here's how: While the healthcare is free, complaining about symptoms or any articulation of pain will cost you. Severelies. My team has put together these estimates:

• Groaning (getting up from a chair, abdominal pain, carrying a heavy load): $12


• Coughing: $5 each, 3 for $10


• Sneezing: $3


• Wheezing: $2.50


• Whining (about being sick, your life, waiting in a waiting room): $7


• Talking When You've Lost Your Voice for The Sole Purpose of Telling People You've Lost Your Voice: $29


• Moaning (minor aches and pains, in your sleep, during the throes/discomfort of passion): $11


• General Complaining ("I feel AWFUL," "This damn headache," "My foot hurts"): $53


• Itching Rashes: $4


• Opening Your Mouth with the Intent of Editorializing Your Symptoms: $1


• Making Everyone Aware of A) Car Sickness B) Allergies C) Tiredness D) Missing Your Medication: $6.01


• "Casually" bringing up the fact that you've considered using a Propecia: $12


• Blowing Your Nose: $8, during a film: $12, on the train: $16


• Clearing Your Throat: $13


• Inquiring within a group of 6-8 people if "anyone recommends any homeopathic remedies for symptom x": $20


• Commenting on frequent trips to the bathroom: $9


• Burping, Breaking Wind, and Other Similar Type Events (counts as a verbal comment on your digestive woes): $5
  

*Please note: charges apply in the privacy of your own home, on public land, and in doctor's offices.

Folks, just think of how much money the state would rake in or how much free time you'd have if you weren't commenting on the state of your health.

Dutifully Yours and Seldom My Own,

Eddie Stalwart McOwskey