Dear Mr. President!

Dear Mr. President Barack Obamas,

First and foremosts, congratulations to you, my friend. You leaped over the hurdles of creptitude and traversed the windy seas of adversitimidity. The S.S. Barack has landed ashore the Presidential coast on a wave of votes, smiles, tears, excitements, and nicorette.

Incidentallies, besides giving you a couple pats on the back and slaps on the butt (it's a male sign of affection, folks--baseball players do it all the time, so just calm down--calm it down, please)--I wanted to ask you a favor. Can I borrow a couple hundred bucks and can you endorse me? Please. I need to use the mimeograph to run off some flyers. And how beautiful would those black and white mimeographs (on pink paper) look if it said you endorse me.

On a side note to be footnoted, Mr. Presidents... I heard you might tap Gov. Jonny Corzines to be your secretary of the treasury. First of all, please ignore my previous comments about Corzines having only 1 friend on Myspace, being bald, a little overweight, and wearing glasses. Besides this I'm sure he would be great at you know being secretary of the treasury. I do some secretary work for my temp agency and believe me, anyone can do it. I'm sure they'll be heavy phones--everyone wants to schedule an appointment to run around the treasury for five minutes and grab as much cash as they can. He'll probably have to do a lot of typing--are dollar bills typed individually?--that'll keep him busy! And just think with ole Corzines out of the picture, how easy it will be for your favorite gubernatorial candidate to become governor of New Jerseys. Please, Mr. President Barack Obamas.

In conclusion, congrats to you and Mr. Bidens--why was he so late to your victory speech? It looked like he had been driving around a lot looking for a parking space. He probably caught most of it on the radio.

The rest of us look forward to your successes and your platitudes.

Sincerely,

Eddie McOwskey, Candidate for New Jersey State Governors

McOWSKEY ELECTION NIGHT COVERAGE!

Folks tomorrow night, check out BlogTV from 10pm to 11ish to see up the minute election night results anchored by me, your favorite candidate for New Jersey State Governors, Eddie McOwskey!

You can check it out here: http://www.blogtv.com/People/ralphy

It's going to start tomorrow, 11/4. Tuesday, at 10pm and go until around 11 or so, you know how it goes.

I'll be checking in with some of the following sources by phone to get what the media tends to overlook:

311 (They can answer anything)
The CIA (Only open during business hours so we may just get a prerecorded message)
The Democratic Party of American Samoa (US Territory not allowed to vote in election)*
The Republican Party of Guam (US Territory not allowed to vote in election)*
Diebold (To See How their Electronic Voting Machines are working)
The Whitehouse Switchboard (To See if Any Moving Trucks Have Showed up)
Halliburton (controls the world)
Exxon (contributions to both Obama and McCain, along with Chevron and BP)
Land's End 24 Hour Customer Service (They're very helpful)

*But Allowed to vote in primaries

Eddie-Torial: Healthcare, folks

Dear Senators Obama and Senators McCains,

What is wrong with you guys? I listened to you both run your mouths off about ya healthcare plans but I see that neither of you have the guts or wherewithalls to cure our healthcare woes with the McOwskey vaccine. And don't pretend you never heard about it. I know you're both busy listening to the sound of your own voices fill up packed houses of desperate voters but come on, take some time out to listen. To me, spefically.

So if you two rock'em sock'em robots can balance ya taxes and shut up ya traps, I'd like to blow some hot air of my own. At youse.

The McOwskey Healthcare Plans:

1) Here we go folks. First of all Healthcare under a McOwskey New Jersey would be completely free. Doctors visits, surgeries, medications, hospital stays, whatever they got. It's paid for, by the government. I know what you're saying, do I want the same people who run the DMV and the schools in charge of my doctors and hospitals. And the answer is YES. It's free, ain't it?

2) Well, you're either like me and don't question what's free and good OR you're like all those bums who pack the trains in the morning and balance their checkbooks, "How do you pay for this, Eddie McOwskey future governors of New Jerseys?" Here's how: While the healthcare is free, complaining about symptoms or any articulation of pain will cost you. Severelies. My team has put together these estimates:

• Groaning (getting up from a chair, abdominal pain, carrying a heavy load): $12


• Coughing: $5 each, 3 for $10


• Sneezing: $3


• Wheezing: $2.50


• Whining (about being sick, your life, waiting in a waiting room): $7


• Talking When You've Lost Your Voice for The Sole Purpose of Telling People You've Lost Your Voice: $29


• Moaning (minor aches and pains, in your sleep, during the throes/discomfort of passion): $11


• General Complaining ("I feel AWFUL," "This damn headache," "My foot hurts"): $53


• Itching Rashes: $4


• Opening Your Mouth with the Intent of Editorializing Your Symptoms: $1


• Making Everyone Aware of A) Car Sickness B) Allergies C) Tiredness D) Missing Your Medication: $6.01


• "Casually" bringing up the fact that you've considered using a Propecia: $12


• Blowing Your Nose: $8, during a film: $12, on the train: $16


• Clearing Your Throat: $13


• Inquiring within a group of 6-8 people if "anyone recommends any homeopathic remedies for symptom x": $20


• Commenting on frequent trips to the bathroom: $9


• Burping, Breaking Wind, and Other Similar Type Events (counts as a verbal comment on your digestive woes): $5
  

*Please note: charges apply in the privacy of your own home, on public land, and in doctor's offices.

Folks, just think of how much money the state would rake in or how much free time you'd have if you weren't commenting on the state of your health.

Dutifully Yours and Seldom My Own,

Eddie Stalwart McOwskey

DAYS OF CHANGE VIDEO 7: NIGEL BLEVINS SINGS!

Click here for the exclusive new Eddie McOwskey Days of Change Video in exciting .mp4 format!

DAYS OF CHANGE VIDEO 2: CLASH WITH OBAMA CAMPAIGN

Days of Change Video 2: Eddie Mixes It Up with the Obama Campaign.

Click here for movie file (.mov)

Please excuse the horrendous audio. The city was trying to silence the candidate with a loud hum emanating from the subway vent below.